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His heart is my heart.

There’s something so beautiful about the rest of the world being asleep and me feeling like I’m the only one awake. It’s like I get to experience this special something while everyone else is dreaming. 

I love how God works in the smallest of ways in my life. Tonight I was just all of a sudden feeling really down for no reason. It was as if I was feeling the pain of every person going through some sort of heartbreak in their life right now. It was heavy and intense. Of course, that brought back a lot of my own heartache I’ve dealt with this year as well. Let’s just say it’s not the most pleasurable thing to relive.

So as I was going on about my night tonight, I was just kind of feeling low and was really starting to wonder why God was putting me through all of this pain and mental torment.

And then I got a text from a friend. She said:

 ”Hey Nicole! This might sound cheesy but I was praying for you yesterday morning while listening to “your love never fails” and over and over I felt like the Lord wanted me to tell you that he makes all things work together for your good—just thought you should know that. :)”

This was right in the midst of my battle with myself and God and me having all these unanswered questions floating around in my mind. Today when I had been talking to God I was just being honest and thinking, “God, I really need more of you today. I need to know that you’re still here and that your plan for me is good.”

Lately, especially, I think I’ve been warring with my heart on a lot of things. On which direction I feel like God is leading me towards and how that manifests into my real, everyday, life. I still don’t think I’ve completely figured it out either and that sometimes leaves me feeling sad and lonely.

But just reading that text tonight hit me at the exact moment I needed encouragement and it was like God was wrapping me up in a big tight hug. 

I still don’t know what is really going on with my heart right now but I can be confident that God is making all things work together for my good. 

And I guess I can be okay with that, for now.

Until Then.

Sometimes I’ll be in a place and will feel like I’m watching things happen as if it were a movie. Like I’m not actually there and am on the outside looking in.

It’s hard for me to not know God’s full plan for me at times. And by hard, I mean frustrating. My heart longs for so many things and at times I doubt God because of my limited view of my current situation.

Lately I’ve been struggling with my perception of my future (hopefully) husband. Perhaps not even so much my perception of him as much as my desire for him. Logically speaking, I know that God is aware of this want in my heart. But, come on, we all just want to tell God to hurry up sometimes, don’t we? 

So I figured I would instead write to him right now as a way to eventually look back and chuckle at my momentary lapse in faith. Bring on the cheesy comments I know you’re currently thinking.

Hi future husband. I am so deeply in love with you and I can only attribute this blessing completely to God because He is the absolute best Dad. I know I may be doubting God in this moment, but thankfully my Dad’s faith in me never waivers. And because I know how good my Dad is, I know that I’ll be fully satisfied and loved by you. I may not even know you at this point in my life, but I’m so excited to meet you and to get to know you. I just hope you have an appreciation for sarcasm because you’re in for a heavy dose. You should also probably know that I can be a bit stubborn. Okay…a lot stubborn.  But hopefully we’ll even each other out. I’m so excited to hold your hand and to kiss you when you’re not expecting it. To cuddle up in bed and to watch a movie with you when it’s cold outside. To take care of you and to bring you soup when you’re sick and pathetic looking. To argue with you only to end up laughing about it. Until then, I can’t wait to meet you. I can’t promise I’m always being the most patient, but I know that it’ll be worth it on our wedding day. I love you.

Yes, people reading this, I know I am a complete cheeseball. It happens. My heart is not so secretly mushy and romantic.

My Dear One.

I think we’re all looking for inspiration; we just define the word “inspiration” differently. We’re all seeking and searching and hoping to find that one thing we feel like we’re missing.

But this is the GOOD NEWS friends, you already have it!

In a sense, I think we’re all searching for God. Some people try to fulfill that search through money or material things. Yet what we all really seek is comfort and love and guidance.

And God is so patient and continually persistent in his plea for our hearts. He will never give up on us or abandon us due to our actions. You will ALWAYS be sought after by Him.

He is so proud of you. I don’t care how many bad decisions you’ve made or what you’ve done in the past. Decisions are just that: decisions. They don’t determine who YOU are. Because, in reality, you are God’s beloved son/daughter. Now that is some good news.

So if you’re struggling right now, remember that your humanly actions don’t define you and that you are still loved by God. He’s not some big scary monster who wants to condemn you or put you down. No. He will tenderly love you and hold your heart with the utmost care.

I’m not too sure why I felt prompted to write this tonight. Just felt Holy Spirit telling me that someone out there might need a little encouragement. 

In that case, to whomever this may concern, I love you.

Life goes on. We move on. And we truly discover the people who are meant to be in our lives and those who aren’t.

Hiatus.

To say I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus from blogging would be an understatement. I was actually avoiding it because I didn’t want to read how I actually felt and come to terms with it, to be honest. But I think writing is not only beneficial for myself, but really helpful to others who feel lost or broken too. So I’ve decided to start writing more.

I know I say this a lot, but it’s OKAY to not be okay. We so often live in a society that completely shuns emotions and writes them off as “problems.” But the truth is, we all have them; and to condemn feeling pain is, in a way, to condemn the person feeling that pain.

I’ve heavily dealt with depression throughout my 22 years of living, and I’m okay admitting that because I know that God is my absolute foundation and sustainer in life. For so long I tried to play it off and wore this horrible facade of being okay. Eventually that came back to slap me in my face full-on. And I can’t say that I’m free from depression even now. But what I do know is that it’s okay to lean on people and to vent and to be angry with God. That’s what His unfailing grace is for. 

The beauty is though, that God’s love and view of who we are individually is absolutely NOT based on our actions or anything we’ll ever do. Read that again and really try to let it sink in. Stop judging yourself and putting yourself down because nothing you do can change how your Dad in Heaven feels about you. That’s some amazingly intense grace right there. God took so much delight in you specifically and the way that He created you. Don’t ever doubt your worth because you are beyond worthy.

"We don’t put our confidence in what we do to prove ourselves faithful to God; we put our confidence in Christ, who has proved God’s faithfulness to us." -Paul the Apostle, Letter to the Philippians

That quote rings so much truth!

You are loved.

Rambles.

Abba, Daddy, I so wish sometimes that I could fully see myself the way you see me.

These past 4 months have been extremely hard for me. Not necessarily spiritually, but just in life. And at times it’s so insanely hard for me to know that God is still with me and still calls me His beloved and adored.

Everyone: It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to cry and to mourn the end of a relationship and to just shout “WHY?!” to God. You’re allowed to feel and to get angry and pissed at God because we are sinking in his infinite grace. 

Life isn’t easy because I’m a Christian. Life really isn’t easy for anyone. 

But I know that papa God is inside of me with the Holy Spirit and that there IS a purpose to my pain and aching. Don’t give up. It’s so easy to forget that God has such bigger and more fulfilling plans for ourselves than we can even fathom. Trust in that.

I want anyone reading this to know that you can message me or anything. I want us to be a community that loves on one another and encourages each other through the really bad and really great times.

I have struggles and pain and hurt that I’m still dealing with but I will love others unconditionally.

You’ve probably heard some guy say this: “I will clean my act up when I find the right girl.” It’s not true. The lie is that once you find the right girl, all your problems will go away—you just need the right motivation, right? Wrong! If Jesus isn’t motivation enough to grow in maturity and pursue godliness, then you are not ready to pursue a woman.

The truth is that when you’re in a relationship, you get their crap on top of your crap. That’s double crap. It is hard to start a healthy relationship with two immature people drowning in crap. Men, get your life together first, know where you are going, then invite a girl to come along (Prov. 16:1–9).

Brandon Andersen  (via littlethingsaboutgod)
Our job is to love people. When it hurts. When it’s awkward. When it’s uncool and embarrassing. Our job is to stand together, to carry the burdens of one another and to meet each other in our questions. – Jamie Tworkowksi


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